Announced Jokes / Recent Jokes

The history teacher announced that the students who could tell her the
source of the following famous quotes would be allowed to go home early.
"The first quote is: 'Four score and seven years ago...'"
Cathy raised her and and answered "Abe Lincoln".
"Very good Cathy, you may go home," said the teacher. "The next quote is
'Give me liberty or
give me..."
Jane raised her hand and blurted out "Patrick Henry."
"Very good Jane, you may also leave."
Meanwhile a boy had his hand up in the back
of the room the whole time and the teacher never acknowledged him and she
said that would be all for the day. She proceeded to write something on
the board when the boy said "Stupid Bitches (women) if it weren't for them
none of this ever would've happened" The teacher turned around and said
"Who said that!" The boy blurts out "Bill Clinton now can I more...

Mr. Winterbottom arrived at the airport and spotted a computerized weighing machine in the lobby. Curious he dropped a quarter in the slot and stepped on it as a voice announced. "You are five feet, ten inches tall, weigh 165 pounds, and you are taking a plane to Australia."

Impressed by the machine's accuracy, he tried it again. "You are five feet, ten inches tall," the voice repeated, "Weight 165 pounds, and you are taking a plane to Australia."

The third time he decided to try to fool the machine. He took his suitcase into the men's room and changed into a different coat and tie. Pulling his hat over his ears to hide his face, Winterbottom dropped another quarter into the machine. "You are five feet, ten inches tall, weigh 165 pounds," the voice announced, then added, "and while you were changing your clothes, you missed the plane to Australia."

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, more...

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane."I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane."I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the more...

Fifteen Minutes Into The Flight From Delhi To Kolkata, The Captain Announced, “Ladies And Gentlemen, One Of Our Engines Has Failed. There Is Nothing To Worry About. Our Flight Will Take An Hour Longer Than Scheduled, But We Still Have Three Engines Left. ”Thirty Minutes Later The Captain Announced, “One More Engine Has Failed And The Flight Will Take An Additional Two Hours. But Don’t Worry. We Can Fly Just Fine On Two Engines. ”An Hour Later The Captain Announced, “One More Engine Has Failed And Our Arrival Will Be Delayed Another Three Hours. But Don’t Worry. We Still Have One Engine Left. ”A Young Sardar Passenger Turned To The Man In The Next Seat And Remarked, “If We Lose One More Engine, We’ll Be Up Here All Day! ”

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.""There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane...""Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.""We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.""Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign more...

A blonde was sitting down for her usual cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio... "There will be 3 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the street."
So, she got up from her coffee and went to move her car.
Two days later, again sitting down with her cup of morning coffee, when the weather forecaster announced,"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the street."
So, she got up from her coffee and again moved her car.
Four days later, again sitting down with her cup of coffee, the weather forecaster announced,"There will be 5 to 7 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the... " and then the power went out and she didn't get the rest of the instructions.
She said,"What am I going to more...