Anything Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300.
She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"
To that the man asks, "Anything??"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"
With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees."
She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does.
He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up - put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine - really.
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you more...
A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.10 second fuses only last 7 seconds. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing. Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid. If the enemy is in range, so are you. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Incoming fire has the right of way.It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than more...
Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his new bride. "Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser." I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some spending money. "No no! " he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was half asleep too and gave me $30 change."
It was a fact that LBJ would, on occasion, personally call military offices and demand special favors. At one such time, he is said to have called TBS (The Basic School) at Marine Corps Base, Quantico, VA and the conversation went like this (jsut remember, you're reading this on the Internet...):
TBS: Good afternoon, this is The Basic School. How can I help you?
LBJ: This is President Johnson. We're having a state dinner here at the White House next Saturday. I want you to send out two lieutenants to be escorts for my daughters.
TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Is that all?
LBJ: I want them in their dress uniforms, tall and good looking.
TBS: Yes sir, Mr. President. Two tall, good looking lieutenants, dress uniforms, next Saturday evening. Is there anything else?
LBJ: (Remember, LBJ was an old time democrat and Texan). Yeah, don't send any damn' Mexicans!
TBS: No sir, Mr.President, no damn Mexicans. Will there be more...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Get rid of your cat.
5. Sunday = TV Sports.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. You have too many shoes.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. Simple "yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you more...