Anyway Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you happen to end up in a Halloween or horror movie, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep yourself healthy, happy and safe (in other words, not dead).

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Hit the first person that says, "Let's split up."

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. It's just not that more...

Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire - you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself.
These are some of my more...

... and pledges not to move alone unless no one agrees with it
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Bowing to international pressure not to act unilaterally, the United States reversed course today and promised to consult with its allies before doing whatever the hell it was going to do anyway.
"Prior to taking action against any enemy nation, such as Iraq, we will confer with our allies, as well as other countries in that region," pledged U.S. President George W. Bush. "We will sit down with them. We will begin by explaining what our position is, and then we will...
"... no, wait. That's everything."
The announcement seemingly failed to address unease among world leaders that without their consent, U.S. action against Iraq will lead them all into a wider conflict. Bush, however, said his administration was well aware of international concerns, and would handle them internally.
Except for effect, the administration said its new stance more...

Ok, I know that you can really buy a detachable vagina from an adult store, but here is the problem and my story.

First of all, its very strange to go into a store and ask somebody behind the counter, "Excuse me, where do you keep the vaginas?" Only to have them respond, "Isle 12," like it's nothing, like they do this all the time. Ooops, they do.

Anyway, I am on isle 12 and there are tons of vaginas, just like they said. There are vaginas that vibrate, and I am thinking to myself, "A vibrating vagina? That could be interesting." They even have vaginas with pubic hair. Pubic hair? I'm not gonna be looking at it for its anatomical correctness. And wait, there was even a clitoris! Who is that for? I mean I don't ever remember telling a woman, "Ohhh baby, I want you to rub your clitoris all over my body." I mean, isn't that for the woman? I don't think I am going to try to go down on my detachable vagina, that would be more...

Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a more...

Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a more...

Picasso's mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail.
He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading "Sam Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation". Picasso figured that it couldn't do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway.
After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.
After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/
20. Picasso was more...