Appear Jokes / Recent Jokes

Solitaire' 99Here is the README. TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product. Microsoft Solitaire' 98README file, v4. 3Welcome! Congratulations! Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire' 98! This classic game has been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development, we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!" For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless, integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing experience.* Solitaire' 98 brings this dream to a blissful reality. System Requirements:- 266 MHz Pentium II or better- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2. 1 gigabytes recommended)- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 more...

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in more...

Jerry Springer has convinced Bill Clinton to appear on his show in order to finally settle the many sex scandals that are rocking his Presidency. Said Springer, "I am pleased that the President is open-minded enough to beleive that my show is the right venue for airing out the problems that he is facing." When asked if he had difficulty getting the President to agree to be on his show, Springer answered, "No way. The President seems eager to appear on the show. He's from Arkansas, so what did you expect?"
The upcoming show will air in mid-September. Other people who will also be appearing on the show with him are Hillary Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, Kathleen Willey and Jennifer Flowers. Springer promises that the show will follow the same format of all his others and will be "no holds barred". The title of the show will be "Honey, You Ain't Gonna Believe This, But I'm A Male Slut."

Paddy was the most intelligent man in Ireland. He was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa and he had won a million pounds on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and was Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of Technology.
One day, he was in the pub and his mates were telling him that he should appear on Mastermind, the quiz where the most intelligent men on the planet, show their superior brainpower. So he filled in the forms and sure enough was called up, and over to London he went to appear on the show.
The moment came when he was called up to the chair, to be questioned.
"Paddy, what is your specialist subject?"
"Irish History."
"Paddy your minute starts now. Who was the leader of the Irish Revolution?"
"Pass."
"In what year was the revolution?"
"Pass."
"How many men died during the Easter Revolution?"
"Pass."
"What was the name of the more...

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercialairliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to showup so they can get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers rightand left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is usinga guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with hugesunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must besome sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes theengines start revving and the airplane starts moving down therunway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to thestewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people beginpanicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane getscloser and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are more...

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers more...

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.

"But their names are Bert and Ernie, more...