Arguments Jokes / Recent Jokes
Six months into a marriage, a man was asked by his best friend how everything was going.
He replied, "Oh, just fine. We practically never have any arguments. In the morning, she does what she wants. In the afternoon, I do what she wants. And at night, we both do what we both want."
Six months into a marriage, a man was asked by his best friend how everything was going. He replied, "Oh, just fine. We practically never have any arguments. In the morning, she does what she wants. In the afternoon, I do what she wants. And at night, we both do what we both want."
A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, "Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.""Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"
From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq., here are the top 10 proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States vs. William Jefferson Clinton:
10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
1. If the s** is just oral, it is not really immoral
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians more...
How to Argue Effectively I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: -=- Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission more...