Ark Jokes / Recent Jokes

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah." Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I more...

What I've learned from Noah's Ark
Don't miss the boat. Remember that we are all in the same boat. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really big. Don't listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to be done. Build your future on high ground. For safety's sake travel in pairs. Speed isn't everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. When you're stressed, float awhile. Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals. If you can't fight or flee - float. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain - grab a shovel. Stay below deck during the storm. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side. Remember that the wood peckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm out side. No matter the storm, when you are with God there's always a rainbow waiting

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I? m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You? d better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front-yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big more...

Noah's Ark... If it happened in 2000And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints." Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit more...

A long time ago in a country far, far away...
Noah built his ark according to the instructions received, loaded it up with every animal under the sun, in pairs, and set off.
And it rained.
And it rained some more.
etc
etc
So, having sailed about for a couple of weeks, Noah has a problem. All these animals eat. And when they eat they prodeuce:
SHIT
Lots of shit.
More shit in one area than has ever been seen.
And every kind of shit.
Noah is in a quandry. So he gets all his sons together and tells them to collect all the shit they can and get it up on deck. Noah digs in too and they set about offloading a half a zillion tonnes of turd overboard.
And that would be the very unamusing end to our story if it were not for the actions of a chap we shall call Chris.
Who set sail, and in the year 1492 discovered it.