Asking Jokes / Recent Jokes
MUSICAL OFFENSES FINE
* Playing loudly during warm up $10
* Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
* Loud cursing after mistake $10
* Playing high and fast after mistake $20
* Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
* Asking for "E" tuning note $25
* Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
* Playing written-out walking line $50
* Failure to play written walking line $75
* Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
* Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
* Playing eighth notes $5 each
* Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
* Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
* Dragging fast tempo $75
* Dragging ballad tempo $100
* Blacking out during ballad $200
* Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
* Following drummer's tempo $250
* Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000
Some lucky guy is getting a transplanted kidney after asking for one on Facebook. Ha! Not one of my 1,000 Facebook “friends” would even respond to, “Hey, just landed in L.A. Anyone know a good Thai place?”
BASIC STUPIDITY
* Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
* Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
* Asking when the rock set starts $20
* Continually asking "where are we?" $25
* Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
* Asking bone player where "1" is $50
* Taking cellphone call during 4's $100
A doctor and a lawyer met at a party. Their conversation was interrupted repeatedly by guests asking the doctor for medical advice. Finally, the exasperated doctor turned to the lawyer and said, "Tell me, what do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?""When they ask, I give them advice", replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill in the morning."The doctor decided to take the lawyer's advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the names and addresses of everyone who approached him for advice. The next morning
he took out the list, just as his secretary walked into his office and handed him a bill from the lawyer.
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates` vision of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they`re stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random more...
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
dum guy calls Air India.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," says the rep.
Thank you." says the dum guy and hangs up.
>Once a dum guy was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 Rupees, the dum guy deserved more service. So, when the dum guy fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the dum guy was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
Said his wife " What's the matter?"
Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
>john is called for an interview in some firm. He lands there on time. He is immediately hauled inside in front of the interviewing officer. Officer looks at john then goes through more...