Asshole Jokes / Recent Jokes

Is awarded to:
Bobby
In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete
asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and other during your
lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all
concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status,
JUST BE YOURSELF!

Two lions were lying around in the jungle. One of them his licking his asshole.
The other lion asked him, "Why are you licking your asshole?"
The second lion replied, "Aww, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

A obviously pissed off man walks into a bar and yells "All Lawyers are assholes! Show Me a Lawyer, and I'll show you an Asshole!" Another man walks up to the guy and says "I resent that statement!" The first guys says "Why, Are you a Lawyer?"
and the second guys replies "NO! I'm an ASSHOLE!"

Little Johnny was having dinner with his parents when they started to fight. The dad called mom a bitch and the mom called dad an asshole. The next sunday it was time for them to go to church. Little Johnny walked into the kitchen were his mom was making the turkey they would have for dinner. Suddenly, mom screamed out FUCK because she cut off her finger. Little Johnny asked her what fuck means and mom replied "fuck is when you cut yourself while making a turkey. Then Little Johnny went into the bathroom were his dad was shaving. Suddenly his dad screamed out SHIT because he cut himself. Little Johnny asked his dad what shit means and his dad said "shit is when you cut yourself shaving". So off to church Little Johnny went. When he got to the church the preacher ased where his parents were and Little Johnny said " the bitch is at home fucking the turkey and the asshole is shitting himself".

One day a litter girl goes to her mother and ask her,"what does shit mean?" Her mother said it means coat.The little girl said ok then, but what does bastard mean? The mother said means dinner. Then the little girl ask what does asshole mean? The mother said it ment president. Then the little girl asked what does fucking mean? The mother said it means getting ready. That day the president came over for dinner. The little girl answered the door and said,"Hello asshole. Give me your shit. The bastards on the table and my mom and dad are fucking up stairs."

One day, Little Johnny and his dad went to the river to do some fishing. Sitting on the bank, his dad lit up a cigarette. Johnny looked at him and asked, "Can I have one of those?"
"Well, Johnny, can you touch your asshole with your dick?" his father asked.
"No!" Johnny replied.
"Then you aren't old enough," his father said.
A little while later, his dad opened a beer. "Can I have one of those?" Johnny asked.
"Can you touch your asshole with your dick?" asked his father.
"No!" Johnny replied.
"Then you aren't old enough," said his father.
Later on, Johnny pulled a chocolate bar out of his jacket pocket and was about to eat it when his father asked, "Can I have some of that?"
"Well, dad, can you touch your asshole with your dick?" Johnny asked.
"I sure can!" replied his father.
"Good! Then go fuck yourself, cause this is more...

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it.
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?" Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. more...