Astronaut Jokes / Recent Jokes
An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"
Mission to Mars
(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)
The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.
"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions."
The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.
So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later, headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2,
report to communications for instructions."
Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyze the solar radiation.
Monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.
A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Female Astronaut 1, please report to communications more...
Your resume includes that job as Strom Thurmond's nanny.
Your historic moonwalk speech? "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Being on oxygen, wearing a waste bag, and eating pureed vegatables through a straw are old hat to you.
Your '96 bid for the presidency didn't quite pan out.
You can't remember the last time you experienced lift-off, if you know what I mean.
Forget the "Vomit Comet" test plane - you failed the "turnstile" test.
NASA fits you for a spacesuit support bra - but you're not female.
"Houston, we're venting some sort of gas out into space... no wait, it's just me."
NASA isn't all that impressed that you already get all your meals from a tube.
You can no longer see over the Shuttle steering wheel without your cushion.
During take-off you keep yelling, "If you kids don't knock off that racket, I'm turning this thing around and we're going straight home!"
Demand that liftoff be more...
The astronaut
Morris, the Jewish astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.
He replied, "My mother said that when I do a space walk I should look nice."
Later on, during the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. "I must make an emergency landing!"
"Why?"
"My wife called and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser."