Attack Jokes / Recent Jokes
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was extremely scared. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was more...
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
"I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
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Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings, I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that....
Bush: What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush: It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops... Will call back in an hour!
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Vajpai and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?" The barman says "Yep, that's more...
When a blonde man arrived home from work early, he heard strange noises coming from the bedroom.
Rushing upstairs, he found his wife laying on the bed naked, panting and sweating. "What's wrong, honey?" he asked.
"I think I'm having a heart attack," she cried.
He ran downstairs, grabbed the phone and just as he was beginning to dial, his four year old son ran up to him and exclaimed, "Daddy! Uncle Ted is upstairs hiding in your closet and he has no clothes on!"
The man dropped the phoned, stormed back upstairs, ran right past his screaming wife and pulled the closet door open.
Just as his son had said, there was his brother cowering in the corner, totally naked.
"You lousy bastard!" screamed the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
My 71 year old father just had open heart surgery after experiencing a heart attack. After the surgery, the doctor told him that he couldn't have sex for 3 months.
My dad asked, "Do the last two months count?"
Gas Attack
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."
"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions.
Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.
Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!
Doctor, more...
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
You rotten bastard, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!