Attic Jokes / Recent Jokes

A stingy old attorney, who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased attorney's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

No one believes seniors. . . everyone thinks they are senile.

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did more...

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started Ive been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. Ive tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. Ive got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. Ive even had the place fumigated, and they wont go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Havent seen one back since!"

Scientists Discover Previously Unknown Holidays
by S.J.Zeve at Hacker Times December 16, 1985
Researchers at the Hacker Institute have discovered a previously unknown pair of holidays similar in nature to All Saints Day and Halloween. Researchers claim that these holidays have been missed in the past due to their rather specialized natures and a non-religious orientation.
Adding to the confusion is the fact that the holidays seem, in many respects, to be fairly young in age and so not quite settled properly into calendar slots as are such older and more staid holidays as Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, Purim, Hannukah, and so forth. Indeed these two new holidays not only float around within the calendar from year to year on every currently known calendar system, but they are even known to shift position depending on where in the world you are celebrating them. For example, in the USA they might be celebrated in June while in Argentina they get celebrated in more...

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can? t take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer? s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you more...

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Joe had carved: I love you, Nancy.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Nancy quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-one million bucks.
Joe said, "We've got to give it back."
Nancy said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two Inspectors were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Nancy said, "No."
Joe said, more...