Attitude Jokes / Recent Jokes

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to improve the parrot's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just became more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David shoved the parrot into the freezer.For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.David became frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I do believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I more...

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK more...

Boys Use The Word Friendship To Start Love,

But,

Girls Use The Word Friendship To End Love,

Same Word Bt Different ATTITUDE! !

AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: Asshole. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. more...

KNOWLEDGE: __ Really knows what he`s doing. __ Knows just enough to be dangerous. __ Only half a brain and is dangerous. __ His coffee cup has a higher I. Q. _____________________________________________________ ACCURACY: __ Does excellent work is not preoccupied. __ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers. __ Must take off shoes to count above ten. __ What`s a number? _____________________________________________________ ATTITUDE: __ Extremely co-operative. __ Brown noser in good standing. __ Often annoys co-workers and fights. __ Doesn`t care, never did, never will. _____________________________________________________ RELIABILE: __ Works so hard he gets extra days off. __ Very dependable. __ Rely on his being first one out the door. __ Absolutely totally worthless. _____________________________________________________ APPEARANCE: __ Extremely neat and clean. __ Looks great on his day off. __ Flies take him over fresh manure. __ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly. more...

14. Your coffee stays hot all day!
13. Never have to look very far to find the legal department.
12. In Hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge -- Satan!
11. 30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room.
10. In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.
9. You get to spend more time with your spouse now.
8. No more wondering if the boss hates you.
7. Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public transportation.
6. Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite invigorating.
5. Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss!
4. Your office: One free stale donut every Friday. Hell: One brutal mutilation of a "Full House" cast member every Friday.
3. Your job: Suit and tie. Hell: Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!
2. Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now and then without threatening a sexual harassment more...