Attorney Jokes / Recent Jokes
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and more...
What is the proper weight for an attorney? About 3 pounds,... not counting the urn!
Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
Answer: No. Reply: Good!
Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
Professional courtesy.
How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
His lips begin to move.
How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
The opposing attorney, who was a giant 6’8”, asked a diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer."You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket.""Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."
An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money."
"All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and I want to have anal sex with your 14 year old daughter."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home. Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him, "Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time." "Yeah, I remember those trying times." replied the attorney." I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?" "Yes, I do." "But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime." "That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?" "Because... I could have been a free woman by now!"