Attorney Jokes / Recent Jokes

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for adivorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said,"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmersaid, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, youdon't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, Idon't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you havea grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where Ipark my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do youhave a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church onSundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does yourwife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4: 30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. more...

A woman went to an attorney, seeking advice on a divorce.
"Do you have grounds, Madam?" the lawyer asked.
"Oh yes. More than I need. I have over six acres."
"I guess you didn`t understand my question.
Let me put it another way. Do you have a grudge?"
"No, but we have a parking space," she replied.
"I`ll try to be more explicit, Ma`am,"
said the attorney. "Does your husband beat you up?"
"No, usually I get up long before he does."
Losing patience, the attorney asked,
"Are you quite sure, absolutely sure,
that you want a divorce?"
"I`m not the one who wants a divorce," she replied.
"My husband does. He claims we don`t communicate."

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.
Here’s what happened:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1300. 01 GENERAL
Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Stuffed or mounted more...

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,' 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'' She responded,' 'Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.''

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked,' 'Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?'' She again replied,' 'Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal more...

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking more...

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway.
One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble.
Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer.
After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway.
As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney.
Surprised upon hearing a loud 'thump' as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road.
"I'm so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!" the truck driver plead.
"You did my son, but I got him with the door!" gleed the Nun.