Auto Jokes

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

"Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

"Well, do you have a fax machine?"

The driver in the Rolls sighed. "I have that too."

"Then do you have a double bed in the back?" the Midget driver wanted to know.

Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is parked on the side of the road--back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls and bangs on the Midget's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I want you to know that I had a double bed installed," brags the Rolls driver.

The Midget driver is unimpressed. "You got me out of the more...

' 'Squawks'' are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem, (S) = Solution

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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on more...

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation:
Features:
User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition To Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning
Production Details:
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of
onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers,
there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the
units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance
may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected
units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate more...

50 things to do at Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic more...

A middle-aged man took his car to an auto shop for a checkup. When he received the mechanic's bill, the man flipped. "Hey!" he yelled to the owner of the shop. "This bill is higher than the one I got from my doctor for a complete physical checkup."

The auto shop owner nodded, "I believe it," he said. "The difference is my bill includes the checkup and the replacement of worn out parts!"