Automatic Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Bank Manager,I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater more...

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible,. .."

Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can more...

At the time of Indo-Pak war in 1971, Pakistan Air Force had just acquired the state of the art Sabre jet from US. The jet had some outstanding technical features which were being explained by a US instructor to some trainee Paksitani pilots. The US instructor explained the aircraft`s automatic take off, automatic maneuvring, automatic supersonic acceleration, automatic weapon loading and automatic firing.

Eventually, one Pakistani pilot asked, "Sir, How do we land this aircraft?"

The US instructor said, "Son, Leave that to the Indian Air Force."

What would happen if we priced our "COWS" using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a "CAR"?
LIST PRICING A COW
A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One
day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over
to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
BASIC COW... $499.9
Shipping and handling... 35.75
Extra Stomach... 79.25
Two Tone Exterior... 142.10
Produce Storage Compartment... 126.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper... 189.60
Four Spigot/High Output Drain System... 149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter... 88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery... 179.90
Deluxe Dual Horns... 59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment... 339.40
4X4 Traction Drive Assembly... 884.16
Pre-delivery Wash and Comb... 69.80
______________________________________________
FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:... $2,843.3
Additional Dealer Adjustments:... 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE more...

Q: Did you hear about the new automatic French parachutes? A: They open on impact.

What would happen if we priced our “COWS” using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a “CAR”?
LIST PRICING A COW
A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
BASIC COW………………………………………….$499. 9
Shipping and handling…………………………………35. 75
Extra Stomach…………………………………………. 79. 25
Two Tone Exterior……………………………………142. 10
Produce Storage Compartment………………….. 126. 50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper……………………….. 189. 60
Four Spigot/High Output Drain System…………. 149. 20
Automatic Fly Swatter…………………………………88. 50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery………………………179. 90
Deluxe Dual more...