Award Jokes / Recent Jokes

Areas of Effectiveness: I am very Effective at sittin' on my ass and directin'a dumbass at gettin'work done that I don't wanna do. I can drink beer with the best beer drinkers And if I have a few to many I can find the best places to sleep it off. I am very good at bitchin' when things don't go my way or I don't feel like doin' nothin'.
Seminars/coarsework:I have taken classes on how to get rich without doin'nothin' but quit cause it took to much work and I got a headache.
Licenses: Yep...I got one...whoopee
Objectives: to get a job with a company that don't make me work to hard and pays me alot of money so I can buy more beer.
Education: Been to the school of hard Knocks and learned not to take any s#it off of anybody.
Awards Received: I got an award from the Navy it is called a bad conduct discharge award.
Interests and Activities: I like drinking beer and chasin' women.
Languages: I speak english perty good.
Work Experience: I can do pert more...

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?""No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5, 000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he shoots his mouth off when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat then shouted, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

This a new month. Which means it's time to once again look at the things people do in search of a buck. Yep, it's Weird Business News.
Our Best Stock Symbol Award this time to Schlotzsky's, the Austin-based sandwich shop chain. You can find its price on the Nasdaq listings under BUNZ.
The Best Millennium Event for Elvis Fans - the 1999 Millennium Elvis Week Aug. 8 through 16 at Memphis, in which Elvis will be recognized - albeit by the people who make and sell his records - as the "Artist of the Century."
Our It Sounds Dirty Even If It Isn't Award to Douglas R. Nappi, a vice president for government relations at the New York Stock Exchange. Nappi was complaining about those who hack into sites that provide stock quotes without paying for the service. Nappi calls it "quote sucking."
The One Million and One Uses for Duct Tape Award to former astronaut and U.S. Sen. John Glenn. In a recent speech in Avon, Ohio, Glenn revealed that astronauts have used more...

Weird Business NewsJIM BARLOW - Houston Chronicle (c) - Writes:
Really, no foolin', this stuff is weird.
Since this is April Fools' Day, what better time for yet another installment of Weird Business News?
Yep, time for another look at the sometimes wacky world of commerce. ABC Namebank, a New York City firm that helps businesses come up with suitably salable company names, took a look at popular nomenclature for firms on the World Wide Web.
The No. 1 Internet company name included the word "web." There were 8, 783 names such as Webtron, USWeb and Webtech. Next came "link" - 7, 901 examples such as Linknet and Worldlink.
Other popular key naming words include: first, 5, 384; net, 4, 426; data, 3, 335; view, 2, 815 and media, 1, 254.
So obviously my new Internet business will be named Firstview Datalink Mediaweb.
Our Worst Food Idea Award goes to Einstein Brothers Bagels, which for St. Patrick's Day sold green bagels at its 225 more...

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully). The 1997 nominees are: NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to more...