Bad Jokes / Recent Jokes
Approval Seeker`s Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don`t. Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood. Arnold`s Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn`t. (2) If it does exist, it`s out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. Astrology Laws: It`s always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman Avery`s Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it`s the start of a brand new series of three. Baer`s Quartet: Wat`s good politics is bad economics; what`s bad politics is good economics; what`s good economics is bad politics; what`s bad economics is good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly as "What`s good politics is more...
A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news." The man asks for the good news first: "The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor. The man, incredulously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??" "I couldn't reach you yesterday."
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half". ... You're never 36 and a half. ... you're four and a half going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens. ... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. ... you BECOME 21. .. YES!!! But then you turn 30. ... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. ... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. .... stay over there, it's all slipping away. ....... You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50. .... and your dreams are more...
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are wicked and 5% are good. He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are bad and 5% are good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them. . . give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
Guess you didn't get it either.
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a more...
"Our teacher has a bad memory. For three days she asked us how much is two and two. We told her it was four. But she still doesnt know. Today she asked us again!"
The following is a list of children’s books that didn’t quite make it to the printing press…
1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Julie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! more...