Bags Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags! "The four men didnt wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as more...

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" "Bicycles!"

Take all the chip bags... open them... lick all the chips of their flavor and put them back in the bag...
hide one of their shoes every day for about a week...
Keep your room real messy for a few weeks. Clean it while your roommate is out. Leave before they come back. Arrive after them and then angrily accuse them of cleaning up your room.
Take all of the hair out of their brush and stick it to the wall with scotch tape.
Insist on cleaning their fingernails for them every night.
Crumple empty chip bags the whole time your roommate is home.
Make a shine dedicated to them.
Whistle one line of a song and repeat it for 3 days, then pick a new line.
Play Scottish music 24 hours a day full blast.
Every night at midnight, stick your head out the window and scream "GO AWAY MONSTERS! GO AWAY!" Do this every night for 6 weeks.
Sniff their underwear while they're still wearing it.
Buy fish and a fish tank. Dye the water with food coloring. more...

One day a guy comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags, when he asks her what she is doing she replies, "I'm fed up, I'm moving to New York." The guy is puzzled and asks her why, "because I have found out that I can get $20 for what I give you for free," she answered. The woman got up and went to wait on the porch for her cab to arrive.

After about 10 minutes the husband joins her on the porch with his bags. "Where are you going?" She asks. "I want to see how you are going to survive on $40 a year," was the husbands reply.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can? t take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer? s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars/dinosaurs at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I more...

An Elderly Lady Did Her Shopping And, Upon Returning To Her Car, Found Four Males In The Act Of Leaving With Her Vehicle. She Dropped Her Shopping Bags, Drew Her Handgun, And Proceeded To Scream At Them At The Top Of Her Voice, "I Have A Gun And I Know How To Use It! Get Out Of The Car, You Scumbags!"

The Four Men Didn't Wait For A Second Invitation, But Got Out And Ran Like Mad.

The Lady, Somewhat Shaken, Proceeded To Load Her Shopping Bags In The Back Of The Car And Get Into The Driver's Seat. She Was So Shaken That She Could Not Get Her Key Into The Ignition. She Tried And Tried, To No Avail.

And Then It Dawned On Her Why.

A Few Minutes Later, She Found Her Own Car Parked Four Or Five Spaces Farther Down. She Loaded Her Bags Into Her Car And Drove To The Police Station.

The Sergeant To Whom She Told The Story Nearly Tore Himself In Two With Laughter And Pointed To The Other End Of The Counter, Where Four Pale Males more...