Bags Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I''m going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his
shoulders.
"What's in the bags?" "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across
the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every weeks for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy," said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"

This guy bursts into his house and shouts, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "That's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care-just get the hell out!"

MICROSOFT:' If G.M. had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand miles to the gallon.'

GENERAL MOTORS:' Perhaps, but if G.M. had developed technology the same way Microsoft has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. You would just accept this, repair the damage and drive on.

2. Every time the lines were repainted on the road, you would have to buy a new car. You would accept this too.

3. Occasionally, but most often during rush-hour or when you are running late, your car would just die on the freeway for no apparent reason. Again, you would just accept this, re-start, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a normal maneuver, such as a left turn, will cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. In such cases you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. more...

You could be a Redneck if you believe dual air bags refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

A young man comes up to the border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The border guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags? ”
“Sand, ” answers the young man.
The guard is a bit skeptical and asks the young man to turn over the bags for inspection. The guard empties the bags, but finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the young man overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The young man is released and promptly rides across the border with his sand bags.
A day later, the same young man presents himself at the border. The guard asks, “What have you got? ”
“Sand, ” says the young man.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the young man who then rides across the border on his bicycle with the sand bags.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. more...

A woman goes in to have a facelift. Theres a new one called the knob. It goes in the back of your head, and you twist it to lift up your features. She has it done, and a year later she goes in to see the doctor. She says to him: This is wonderful, whenever I feel old I just twist it and it pulls everything up. Theres a problem though Ive got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob seems to make it worse and not better.
The doctor looks at her and thinks for a minute, then says:They arent bags - Theyre your breasts!
The woman says:Oh right. That explains the goatee then!