Bags Jokes / Recent Jokes

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used. After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look. The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes. The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four
males sitting in the car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will
if required...so get out of the car!
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver's seat.
Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and
parked four or five spaces further down.
She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four very pale
males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: "SO GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!"
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat.
Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical, and parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter. There stood four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman.
No charges were filed.
(Thanks to Mary Campbell)

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. “What’s in the bags? ”, asked the guard.
“Sand, ” said the cyclist.
“Get them off - we’ll take a look, ” said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. “Say friend, you sure had us crazy”, said the guard. “We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won’t say a word - but what is it you were smuggling? ” “Bicycles! ”

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border
on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
The fellow says, "Sand!"
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow
gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground,
opens them up, and the guard inspects... only
to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places
the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike
across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...
"What have you there?"
"Sand"
"We want to examine."
Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow
is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections
continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't
show up. However, the guard sees him downtown
and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy.
We sort of knew you were smuggling something.
I won't say anything what were you more...

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "Whats in the bags?", asked the guard."Sand," said the cyclist."Get them off - well take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I wont say a word - but what is it you were smu ggling?" "Bicycles!"