Bags Jokes / Recent Jokes

Trying to disprove the saying "You can't take it with you," a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash."Oh, that old fool!" she exclaimed. "I knew I should have put the money in the basement."

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down.She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman...... No charges were filed.

on day santa clause, the toothfaire, and the easter bunny walked up to ahotel to rent a room. the lady at the counter said the only room they had left was the honted house room, and santa clause says "any room will do thank you" and when they got to the room santa clause went to the bathroom while the toothfarie and the easter bunny put there bags up well when they started to open the closet door the closet said "im the ghoust from beanie whenie you open this closet ill chop off your whenie.well when santa clause came out of the bathroom he seen the bags lieing and the floor and went to put them in the closet well when he went to open the closet it said"im the ghoust from beanie whenie you open that closet ill chop off your whenie" santa clause said" im the ghoust from christmas pass you come out that closet ill kick your ass.

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border. Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smu ggling?" "Bicycles!"

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the more...

Alice works in a chemists on Saturdays with her dad who is the pharmacist. One weekend, her dad decides to have the morning off and to leave Alice to mind the shop.
"Now, pay attention," he says. "Under the counter are two piles of brown paper bags with condoms in them. If a man comes in and asks for a

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, announced Wednesday that it had reached an agreement with the I.R.S. to satisfy past tax obligations and will no longer offer gift bags to all attendees of the Golden Globe awards.
They will however continue their policy of giving a Golden Globe award to every actor, director, producer, usher, seat filler, waitress, valet, and bathroom attendant who attends the lame-ass award ceremony.


Worth less than People's Choice Award
or 4 piece chicken nuggets meal at Wendy's