Bags Jokes / Recent Jokes

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?" more...

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can? t take it with you. ”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.

He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer? s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that darned old fool, ” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement. ”

A women goes in for a face lift but doesnt want to have surgery. The doctor says there is a new precedure were they put a little screw in your head and everytime you see a wrinkle you just turn it to puul your skin up. The women gets the precedure. About a year later she comes back and complains about the bags under eyes. the doctor says lady those arent bags those are your boobs and if you dont leave that screw alon your gonna have a beard.

SHOPPING FOR WOMEN

1. Park the car

2. Get a cart

3. Fill the cart with useful things in a record time.

4. Put the shopping in a rational way (All the fridge stuff together, groceries in a separate bag, etc)

5. Pay

6. Go back home.

7. Empty the bags and tidy everything up.

SHOPPING FOR MEN

1. Park the car

2. Get into the store.

3. Get out of the store and pick a cart.

4. Get into the store.

5. Stroll through all the corridors of the store.

6. Stop by the magazines and browse the last "Sport Illustrated"

7. Buy a pair of socks, 2 frozen pizzas, a case of beer, Sausages, pistachios and a comic (Optional: Foldable swimming pool in winter, two helmets for the kids in case they are going to use the bicycles, fertilizer (also in winter), some tools that he might use some day).

8. Don't worry about milk, bread more...

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags! " The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described more...

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing football - see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "Sex and Candy."
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares." and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
10. Play with the automatic doors.
11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
12. While more...

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete more...