Bank Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes: George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years" Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days" George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???" Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."
On his way to JFK to fly to Zurich, a businessman stopped off at a bank in
downtown NYC and asked for an immediate loan of $5, 000. The loan officer
squinted, needing collateral. "Here, take the keys to my Rolls," the man
offered. The loan was promptly issued, and the car was secured in the
bank's underground parking area for safekeeping.
Two weeks later, the man returned to settle up his loan and reclaim his
Rolls. "That will be $5, 000 in principal plus $15. 40 in interest," the
loan officer reported. The man wrote out a check and started to walk
away.
"Please, sir," the loan officer interjected, "while you were gone, I found
out that you are a multimillionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow $5, 000?"
The man smiled. "Where else in Manhattan could I find secured parking for
two weeks for only $15. 40?"
"Hi, Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am the shopping mall a couple of blocks from where you are. I just saw the most gorgeous mink coat. It's absolutely stunning! May I buy it?"
"What price are they asking?"
"Only $2,000."
"All right, if you like it that much, go ahead and get it."
"Ahhhh, and I also stopped at the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. They have one I really like. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price... and since we do need to exchange the one we bought last year... "
"How much did he quote you?"
"Only $65,000."
"Ok, but for that price I expect all the options to be included."
"Super! Ummm, before we hang up, there is one more thing... "
"What?"
"I know it might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and... well, I stopped by more...
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to more...
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde more...
An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security
for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian
produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees
to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to more...