Barmaid Jokes / Recent Jokes

How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off? When you find a string in your bloody mary.

A very British one:
0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.
2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over - except for the bloody French.
6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7. Send more...

Two smart fellows were in a pub. They called the pubs owner over and asked him to settle an argument.
'Are there two pints in a quart or four?", asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart, confirmed the owner.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the fellows called out to the owner at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "Two pints."

Two wiseguys go into a country pub, they call the landlord over and ask him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart, or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the landlord.
They moved along the bar to where the barmaid was and she asked for their order.
"Two pints please Miss, and they are on the house."
When the barmaid appeared to doubt her boss would dispense free beer, one of the lads called out to the publican at the other end of the bar: "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," called the landlord, two pints."

Three men are outside a pub when one said, "I dare you to go in and ask for a free glass of milk!"
One of the other men went in the pub and said, "Can I have a free glass of milk?"
"Only if you pick the scabs of my daughter's fanny!"
replied the barmaid.
"Screw that!"
The other man walked in and said, "Can I have a free glass of milk?"
"Only if you pick the scabs off my daughter's fanny!"
replied the barmaid.
"Screw that!"
When the two men went back outside they told the third one that they could only get a free glass of milk if they picked the scabs off the barmaid's daughter's fanny.
The third man said, "I wouldn't mind doing that."
The third man went in and said I will pick the scabs off your daughter's fanny if you give me a free glass of milk."
"Ok," agreed the barmaid.
He went upstairs and picked the scabs of her daughter's fanny and more...

What's the difference between a barmaid inthe evening and a barmaid at night? A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom. A barmaid at night is bare and. ... Sent by Jennifer

All hotel rooms have a copy of the Gideon Bible as a comfort to travellers and it was natural for the tub-thumping evangelist to reach for it and thumb through a few pages before going downstairs for a nightcap before retiring.

He soon engaged the barmaid in conversation and was still chatting her up at closing time when she even sgreed to come to his room where, after another drink, they adjourned to the bed.

"Should we be doing this?" she giggled as she undressed. "after all, you are a man of the cloth."

"I assure you it is alright. It is written in the Bible," he said, dropping his trousers.

During her post-coitus cigarette, a very reflective time for women, she said to the Bible-basher: "Show me the passage which it says we should have done what we did."

The evangalist picked up the Bible and turned to the fly-leaf to show her the quote: "The barmaid downstairs is a certainty."