Beautiful Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look
for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this
trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition
to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband
will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish,
she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes
only for me."
So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the more...

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt
to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers,
etc. And none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small
ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone
number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked,
'How much weight do you want to lose?' to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'
The voice replied, 'Very well, put your check in the mail and we'll have a
representative over to your house in the morning.'
About 9:00 the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a
beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck
stating, 'If you catch me you can screw me.' Well the overweight fellow chased
her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house.
Finally he did catch her more...

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the more...

Bill Gates dies and is face to face with God. God says "Bill, I just don't
know what to do with you. You've done a lot of good but have also caused many millions of my subjects a great deal of anguish. I'll let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell". Bill says "Can I have a look at each before I choose?". God says "Sure". So God takes him to Hell and there are beautiful girls in small bikinis playing around a sun drenched pool. Cool drinks and sandwiches. Happiness and gaiety. God shows him heaven with angels singing to organ music.
Bill says " Hey, this is a no brainer. I'll take Hell anyday." A
year passes and God decides to visit Hell and check up on how Bill is doing. Bill is chained to a large burning brimstone and is in constant agony. God says "Hey Bill, how's it going?". Bill says, "God, you showed me beautiful girls in bikinies with sun drenched pool and cool drinks. Happiness and gaity for more...

>An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source
> of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling
> through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a
> sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards
> ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
> discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there
> may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out
> pops
> a genie. But
> this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi,
> complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
> "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
> wishes."
> "I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
> Jewish genie!"
> "What do you have to lose? It looks more...

This comes by way of a died in the wool New Yorker that I sometimes work with. Written by her mom, I think, but there are similar "diaries" floating around. Picture someone moving from the sun belt to the snow belt...
December 8:
6:00 p.m. and it has started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was beautiful.
December 9:
We awoke to a big blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalks. Later, a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the winter is through.
December 14:
It snowed inches more...

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her."That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What more...