Beer Jokes / Recent Jokes
SHE
08.45Wake up to hugs & kisses
09.005 pounds lighter on the scales
09.30Light breakfast
11.00Sunbathe
12.00Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
01.30Shopping
02.30Run into boyfriend's ex, notice she's gained thirty pounds
03.00Facial, massage and nap
05.30Talk with mom on the phone for an hour
07.30Candlelit dinner for two and dancing
10.00Make love
11.00Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HE
10.00Wake up
10.02Oral Sex
10.45Big breakfast
11.30Drive in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde
02.15Enormous lunch
03.00Oral Sex
03.30Play sport with the guys
04.00Drink beer with the guys
06.00Meet Claudia Schiffer
06.10Oral Sex
08.00Huge dinner, more beer
11.00Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11.30Watch late game from the West Coast
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1, 874. 25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was more...
A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.
The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.
Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"
"I haven't got any money!"
Three guys were in a bar and they were all pretty smashed. The first guy said, “I bet that if I had one more beer, I could fly! ” The other guys bought their friend another drink. After the first guy finished, he walked up to a nearby cliff and jumped off. The other two guys stared in disbelief as the first guy fell, and then suddenly swooped up and landed on the cliff. The second guy said, “I bet I can do that too! ” He ran down to the bar, chugged a beer, and ran back up to the cliff. Then the second guy jumped off the cliff, fell, and crashed into the ground below. The third guy turned to the first guy and said, “You’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman! ”
One day a blonde went to a bar. She saw three guys she would possibly be interested in. The first one was tall, dark, and handsome-every girls dream guy. The blonde went up to him, cleavage and thong showing. She seemed so confident that the guy imediately asked her if she would like a drink. She just asked for a beer. Before she knew it she was having sex in the bathroom. She was apparently not satisfied at his performance. The next guy was short, kind of pale with dark hair. Again, the guy bought her a beer. Next thing she knew she was giving the guy a blow job in the back seat of his car. Again, not happy, she went for the next guy, medium height with black hair with blonde highlights, he was not tall, but not short, he looked average. This time she ordered another beer. She ended up at his house in the bed. Before anything happened this time, she said that she had had sex in the bathroom in the bar, gave a guy a blow job in the backseat of his car, and was about to suck his dick. more...
An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.
The old man looks at his son and asks...
"Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?"
The man curls his eyebrows and asks "huh?"
The old man gets up and says "wait right here."
About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.
The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:
" Ok, here's how it works...
If the boy grabs the beer he's gonna be a drunk.
If he grabs the cards he's gonna be a gambler.
If he grabs the bible he's gonna be a preacher."
The baby stares at the items for a moment.
He then reaches out and grabs all three items.
The old man shouts...
"HOT DANG SON - HE'S A DEMOCRAT!"
A horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper.
The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old' short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.
The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. Says the bartender to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."
To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a beer, I'm not surprised!"