Believe Jokes / Recent Jokes

people shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
you believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
when you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
you want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
you call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
you believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".

Points to Ponder
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
- Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
- I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
- I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
- If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- I believe the only time the more...

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, “Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here? ”
The man answers, “Yeah, I live down the street. ”
“No kidding? ” says the first man, “Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school? ”
“Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in ‘66. How ’bout you? ”
“Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in ‘66, too. Where’d you go to college? ”
“Baylor, in Texas. ”
“No way! I went to Baylor too. What dorm? ”
“Kevin Sullivan dorm. ”
“Sullivan? You’re not going to believe this. . . ”
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, “Joe, you won’t believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn’t that amazing? more...

The following supposedly a true story.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.

A man wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the bed on the floor. He doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, ''I'm sorry, but your dog is dead.'' The man doesn't believe him and says, ''I want a second opinion.''
The doctor goes into the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, ''Meeoowrr.'' The vet says again, ''I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead.''
The man says, ''No, I want another opinion.''
So the doctor brings out a Laborador Retriever and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, ''Rrrrr.'' The vet says, ''I'm sorry, sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 500 dollars.''
''$500 to tell me my dog is dead?'' asks the man.
''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I'm 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab test was 200 dollars.''

Just so everyone has a better understanding, I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.

Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.

Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be no war. I sincerely believe this - virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everyone involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).

So, I sincerely believe that more...