Biblical Jokes

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
15. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
9. Cut off 50 foreskins off more...

Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah`s wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot`s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get more...

Top 10 Sayings of Biblical Mothers
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been!
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes!
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder!

2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that wood, if your father asked you to!

Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get more...

Punny Biblical Q+A`sQ: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?

A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

A. Pharaoh`s daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?

A. Ruth-less.Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?

A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.A: David`s Triumph was heard throughout the land.A: Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A. Samson; he brought the house down.Q: Where is the first baseball game in the more...