Billion Jokes / Recent Jokes
There are three billion women who don't look like super models and ONLY eight who do.
"Do you have blacks, too?" -George W. Bush, to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Nov. 8, 2001, as reported in an April 28, 2002, Estado Sao Pauloan column by Fernando Pedreira, a close friend of President Cardoso "I`d rather have them sacrificing on behalf of our nation than, you know, endless hours of testimony on congressional hill." -George W. Bush, Fort Meade, Maryland, June 4, 2002 "We hold dear what our Declaration of Independence says, that all have got uninalienable rights, endowed by a Creator." -George W. Bush, to community and religious leaders in Moscow, May 24, 2002 "We`re working with Chancellor Schröder on what`s called 10-plus-10-over-10: $10 billion from the U. S.,$10 billion from other members of the G7 over a 10-year period, to help Russia securitize the dismantling - the dismantled nuclear warheads." -George W. Bush, Berlin, Germany, May 23, 2002 "After all, a week ago, there were - Yasser Arafat was boarded up in more...
Under a new deal, the government revamped its rescue package to the insurance giant, AIG, saying it will give an additional $30 billion on an "as needed" basis. AIG's bailout now totals around $173 billion. The U.S. government has now made four separate efforts to save the company.
__________
Maybe I just don't understand these things, but shouldn't AIG have had insurance?
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.
Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don’t know half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.
We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
In the more...
Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills,
"The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard
yelling 'Price check on the company!'"
He adds, "the original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out
a huge stack of double-value coupons."
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’ we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.” The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.” “Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’”Again, the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.” Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer
from ‘give us this day our daily bread...’ to ‘give us this day our daily more...
The New York Yankees have been named the most valuable franchise in baseball with a net worth of $1.6 billion. Coincidentally, that's what it costs to sit behind home plate.