Billion Jokes / Recent Jokes

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -- Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -- more...

Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them

Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U. S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4. 4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million--it will only cover 4, 800 students in the more...

''Usenet is like Tetris for people who still know how to read.'' - Computer Museum (Boston)
''Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the jaw.'' - Computer Museum (Boston)
''If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about... five minutes.'' - Anon.
''Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and the Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare!'' - Blair Houghton
''The NeXT Computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a workstation, the unit sales makes it a mainframe.'' - Anon.
''What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator.'' - Anon.
''Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?'' - Anon.
''If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, more...

The story goes that Bill Gates made a billion dollars in a single week on his investments. When asked if he would reinvest the money back into MicroSoft, he said, "Well. .. I guess so. But remember a billion dollars doesn't go as far as it used to."

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we more...

The renowned cosmogonist Professor Bignumska, lecturing on the future of the universe, had just stated that in about a billion years, according to her calculations, the earth would fall into the sun in a fiery death. In the back of the auditorium a tremulous voice piped up: "Excuse me, Professor, but h-h-how long did you say it would be?"
Professor Bignumska calmly replied, "About a billion years."
A sigh of relief was heard. "Whew! for a minute there, I thought you'd said million years."

Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it