Billion Jokes / Recent Jokes
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old"."Where did you get this exact information?" "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."
One day three men named Jimmy, Mike, and Sam found a genie in a bottle and the genie will grant everyone 1 wish if they yell what they want as you jump off a cliff. The first man, Jimmy, yells "
I want a billion dollars!"
. He jumps off the cliff and lands in a billion dollars. The next man, Mike jumps off the cliff and says, "
I want gold!"
and he lands in gold. The last man, Sam, runs to the edge of the cliff, trips over a rock and says, "
oh crap!"
and lands in a pile of poop.
BACON SLICER
A man goes to the Doctor and says that he has a serious sexual problem.
When asked to give details, the man says that for a very long time he has
been wanting to put his penis in the bacon slicer. The doctor is
astounded, and gives the man some pills and instructs him to take one
every day and to then come back and see him in a week. A week later the
man returns and the Doctor asks him how things went, to which the man
replies that he couldn't resist the urge and finally just had to put his
penis in the bacon slicer. A little worried, the Doctor asks to take a look
at the man's penis, but on inspection he can find nothing wrong with it.
"There's nothing wrong with you, what about the bacon slicer?" asks the
Doctor, to which the man replies "I don't know, he ran away!"
GENIE'S WISH
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how
badly screwed she got over more...
A 75 year old Warren Buffett is giving most of his $44 billion dollar fortune to different charities. It will take a while as the old man insists on handing it out in quarters.
According to a recent government publication. ..
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U. S. Treasury.
There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie''s lamp.
The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy didn''t like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said, "Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn''t make him happy but, he made his second wish. "Genie,! want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn''t very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says," Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says " I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
The star, who is worth an estimated $2.5 Billion now has a street value of $8.6 Billion.