Billion Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man is walking down the beach when he comes upon a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie pops out.
The man immediately demands his three wishes.
The genie first warns the man that whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law will get double. Figuring it wasnt all that bad the man thinks about his wishes.
First he wishes for a billion dollars. *Poof* A huge stack of money appears in front of the man. But his mother-in-law just got 2 billion dollars.
Second he wishes for a huge 50 room mansion with full staff to run it. *Poof* A huge mansion appears where his old house to be. (And parts of his neighbors houses too.) But his mother-in-law just recieve a 100 room house built on a beachfront property with double the staff to tend to the home.
Getting jealous of how his mother-in-law will brag about her riches and make his wishes look small he tries to think of a way to come out on top.
Finally the man says to the genie, "See that stick over there? Beat me half to more...
Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB).
Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, more...
President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by
all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.
George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers. His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.
There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.
For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland?
Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in more...
According to the NY Times, it seems that Verizon will likely recieve over a billion dollars of stimulus money to bring fast internet connections to rural and low-income areas. Soon, people living in Newark and Georgia will be able to go online to see that they have no money in their savings account at 128 kilobit per second.
A guy from Tyson Foods arranged a visit with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispered, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread...' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken...' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "We are prepared to donate one billion dollars to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread...' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken..."
Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate five billion dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread...' to more...
Big Media took its first big swing at YouTube as Viacom Inc filed a $1 billion copyright lawsuit against the video-sharing site and corporate owner Google Inc.
Upon hearing about the lawsuit, Google CEO Eric Schmidt said "A billion dollars?...Could somebody go downstairs and get it from Google's petty cash drawer?"
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." - Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." - Former U.S. President Calvin more...