Bird Jokes / Recent Jokes
What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? A pecking order.
This year, our family is breaking with our usual tradition.
We always serve a Christmas swan because it's so much fun to watch the kids fight over the neck. This year we're having a California Condor-it tastes just like spotted owl. The bird is going to be stuffed with sausage made from baby seals. We all have to bring our own baseball bats in order to club the seals that will be made into stuffing. Best of all, this year it's my turn to OJ the bird. As a present, I'm giving my nephew a Milli Vanilli doll. You press a button and Teddy Ruxbin sings.
HAPPY HOLIDAY TO ALL!
A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.
"Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions."
The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.
"That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking.
"I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with more...
What's brown and white and flies all over? Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
A Broadway bookie was given a parrot in lieu of cash payment. The bird's vocabulary included choice phrases in English, French, Spanish and German. Sensing a winner, the bookie hauled the bird off to his favorite bar.
"Speaks four languages," he said to the bartender, who snorted in disbelief. "Wanna bet this bird can speak four languages?" the bookie challenged.
Annoyed, the bartender finally agreed to a ten-dollar wager. The bookie turned to the parrot and said, "Parlez-vous frangais?"Theve was no response.
Nor was there any reply to the question in English, Spanish or German. The bartender picked up the bookie's sawbuck from the bar and went about his business.
On the street, the bookie glared at the bird. "You fink!" he exclaimed. "I've got ten bucks riding on you and you clam up on me. I oughta strangle you!"
"Don't be a jerk," the parrot replied. "Just think of the odds you'll get more...
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlightaround, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player toplace in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the darksaying, "Jesus is watching you."He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, andfroze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clickedthe light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just ashe pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear asa bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for thesource of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, hisflashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" Hehissed at the parrot."Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warnyou."The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are more...
A man was on the beach, sunbathing in the nude, when he noticed a little girl coming towards him. He quickly took the newspaper he was reading and covered himself with it.
"Hey, mister, what do you have under the newspaper?" asked the little girl.
"Just a bird," he replied. The little girl walked away and he fell asleep.
When he woke up, he found himself lying in a hospital bed in tremendous pain. The police asked him what had happened.
"I don't know," he groaned. "The last thing I remember is lying on the beach and a little girl asking me about my privates. Next thing I know, I'm here."
The police went to the beach to look for the little girl. When they found her, they asked her what she had done to the naked man.
She paused for a moment, then replied, "I didn't do anything to him. I was playing with the bird and it spit at me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire."