Birth Jokes / Recent Jokes

One guy we know is so suspicious that when his wife gave birth to twins, he flew into a rage because only one of them looked like him.

Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, are you sure it's mine?

Will the father be present during the birth? asked the obstetrician."Nah," replied the mother-to-be,"He and my husband don't get along."

William - My Name Is William. S. Bernstein.
Frank - What Does The' S' Stand For?
William - Nothing. My Father Accidently Dropped A Noodle On My Birth Certificate.

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.

*** NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some.
STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes. ***
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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked more...

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on thedelivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the topof a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and saysto the doctor, "Are you my dad?". The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby popsright back inside. "Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head pushthrough again. "Are you my dad?", asks the baby. "No, I am your doctor.", he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's fatherin here right away-we may have a situation on our hands!". Momentslater the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's headonce again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father. The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!" The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the more...