Bit Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place more...

HER SIDE OF THE STORY My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back more...

Nigel: You Said The School Dentist Would Be Painless, But He Wasn't.
Teacher: Did He Hurt You?
Nigel: No, But He Screamed When I Bit His Finger.

A dentist I know recounts sharing this story with an elderly lady, just as he was putting on his rubber gloves:

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No."

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Puerto Rico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in -- and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up -- then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big' Finished Goods Crate' and go around again."

She didn't laugh a bit.

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop working on her teeth because she burst out laughing.

She explained, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well." David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left. The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?" "Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix." more...

Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4
and 6 year old children, so they decide to talk in code.

One day Mark is feeling a little bit turned on and says to Katie, "Tell
your mother I would really like to type a letter."

Katie runs off to find her mom. " Mommy, mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would
like to type a letter."

Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that he
can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

Katie tears off to her father and says, " Daddy, daddy, mommy says you
can't type a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen on a bit
of nookie and she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can type
that letter today."

Katie went off to look for more...

The other day Prem was having his usual morning walk along the Galle Face green. When he is walking
near the old parliamentary bulding he heard a voice,
"Oh.. i, Premadasa, come here man"
Bit surprized, and at the same time a bit angry he looked around to see who this guy dared to address
the Prime Minister (he was the PM then) by name. Only JR and Hemavo did call him by name. He saw
nobody, because it's still very early in the morning and Galle Face green is almost empty of people. So,
he started his walk again and only after few steps he heard the same voice, loder this time,
"Oh.. i, Premadasa, don't you hear me. Come here man."
Puzzled, he looked around and stood agaped when he saw that it was the statue of D. S. calling him.
"Premadasa, you should bring me a horse tomorrow, it's a long time since I had a horse ride."
"Eh. Yeh.. Yes, sir. Eh. I d.. d.. definitely will." stammered Prem and was more...