Bless Jokes / Recent Jokes
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She more...
The Pope made a decision to grant absolution to three sinners.
The first person before him was Howard Stern. "What is your sin?" asked the Pope. "I have offended people all over the country," replied Howard.
"Kneel down," replied the Pope. "I shall bless you and grant you absolution."
Next before him was Bill Clinton. "What is your sin?" asked the Pope. "I have cheated on my wife," Bill answered.
"Kneel down," said the Pope. "I shall bless you and grant you absolution."
The third sinner was then before the Pope. "What is your name?" he asked. "Monica Lewinsky."
"Perhaps it would be best if you remain standing!" the Pope said.
"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go fuck herself. Sincerely, Edna Johnston"
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy more...
One day there were these 5 little boys
the first little boy went to the priest and went bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water and the priest goes your forgivin
the second little boy goes to the priest bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water the priest goes your forgiven
the third little boy goes to the priest and goes bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water the priest goes your forgiven
the fourth little boy goes to the priest and goes bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes what did you do my son the boy goes i threw peanut in the water the priest goes your forgiven
then the fifth little boy goes to the priest and goes bless me father for i have sinned the priest goes i know you threw peanut in the water too the boy goes no i is peanut
Exclamations: "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." Threats: "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle." "This'll jar your preserves." "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!" Good Things/Compliments: "Cute as a sack full of puppies." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." "Gooder than grits." The Weather: "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot." Descriptions: A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off." When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count." If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats." "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin." A hectic more...