Absolution Jokes

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.
So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.
The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.
"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"
"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution!" said the abbot.
So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee more...

While the Pope was in St. Louis he decided to grant absolution to three sinners. The first person to come up was Richard Nixon.
The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"
"I hired people to break into the Watergate hotel."
The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?"
"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied.
"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."
A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?"
"Monica Lewinsky." The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm... Perhaps you should remain standing."

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.The priest says, 'Oh no, was it with Marie Brown?.' Joe says, 'I'd rather not say who it was with.' The priest says, 'Was it with Betty Smith?' Joe says, 'I'd rather not say,' So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.Joe says, 'Yes, and two very good leads!'

The Pope made a decision to grant absolution to three sinners.
The first person before him was Howard Stern. "What is your sin?" asked the Pope. "I have offended people all over the country," replied Howard.
"Kneel down," replied the Pope. "I shall bless you and grant you absolution."
Next before him was Bill Clinton. "What is your sin?" asked the Pope. "I have cheated on my wife," Bill answered.
"Kneel down," said the Pope. "I shall bless you and grant you absolution."
The third sinner was then before the Pope. "What is your name?" he asked. "Monica Lewinsky."
"Perhaps it would be best if you remain standing!" the Pope said.

John enters the confessional and tells the priest that he's committed adultery.
"Oh, my," the priest says, "Was it with Janice Cook?"
"I'd rather not reveal who it was with," John replies.
"Was it with Cindy Jones?" asks the priest.
"I would rather not say," replies John.
So, the priest grants John absolution and John leaves. As he was leaving the church, John's friend asks him, "Well, did you receive absolution?"
"Yes, and I also received a couple of good leads!" John answers.