Everything Jokes

Diary of a New Snow Shoveler
Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob more...

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
---------------
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
---------------
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: more...

It can buy a bed - but not sleep
It can buy a clock - but not time
It can buy you a book - but not knowledge
It can buy you a position - but not respect
It can buy you medicine - but not health
It can buy you blood - but not life
So you see, money isn't everything, and it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up more...

A Newfie goes to Toronto to seek his fortune, and after a couple of years is doing very well for himself. His brother calls from Newfoundland to tell him their father is very ill and probably won't survive.
"Well, if he dies I'll pay for the funeral; the best of everything, spare no expense, just send me the bill," says the Toronto Newfie.
Two weeks later he gets a bill in the mail for $7500.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets a bill for $75.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets another bill for $75.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets yet another bill for $75.00
He sends the cheque off to his brother.
The following week he gets a bill for $75.00
He calls his brother and says, "What the hell is going on; why do keep get a bill for $75.00 every week?"
His brother tells him, "Well, you said spare no expense, so we more...