Afternoon Jokes

Diary of a New Snow Shoveler
Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob more...

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.
"That fellow from close by will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the mares. I've hung a nail by the right stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.
"This is the mare right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."

John and Karen thought the only way to pull off a Saturday afternoon quickie was to send their son on the porch and report the daily activities.
The son said, "A red car went down the street... someone got their newspaper... and it looks like the Anderson's are screwing."
Startled John and Karen shot up in bed. His father said, "Why do you say that?"
"Becky is on their porch reporting activities too," he replied.

One day an elderly couple was out for an afternoon drive and had to
stop for gas.
Attendant: " Would you like me to check the oil?"
Wife: "What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know if I want the oil checked."
Attendant: "Would you like me to top up the washer fluid?"
Wife: "What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know if I want the fluids topped up."
When the attendant heard them talking, he asked, "By the way,
where are you from?"
The husband replied, "We are from Nova Scotia."
"Ah," said the attendant. "Years ago I was in Nova Scotia and
had the worst love affair ever."
The wife said, "What did he say?"
Husband: "He thinks he knows you!"

This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. It was taken seriously by a lot of people...

MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seventeen cents American.

MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.

CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or more...