Blow Jokes / Recent Jokes
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited!"
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."
A man is sitting at a bar and sees this beautiful woman on the arm of some drunk. He talks with the bartender and finds out that she is a prostitute.
He walks over to her and says " Is it true that your a prostitute?"
She replies "Yeah what can I do for you big boy?"
He thinks a second and finally asks her what she charges. She replies "$100 for a hand job."
"Are you crazy?" he responds.
She walks the man over to the window, "see that Ferrari out there? I own that car. Trust me you wont leave unsatisfied." So he takes her to his apartment, gives her the money and they get down to business.
The next day he sees her at the bar again. He walks over to her and says, "Last night was great."
"You think that was great," she replies" wait tell you have one of my blow jobs."
"How much?" the man asks more...
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.' 'I can't do that, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''' 'Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''' 'Can't do that either, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''' 'Alright, we could get a blood sample.''' 'Can't do that either, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''' 'Fine then, just walk this white line.''' 'Can't do that either, officer.''' 'Why not?''' 'Because I'm drunk.''
Q. What's the difference between a pay cheque and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your pay cheque.
Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. Why did God give women nipples.
A. To make suckers out of them.
Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q. What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
A. Marriage.
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.
Q. What's a clitoris?
A. A hood ornament.
Q. What's the only bad thing about the 69 position?
A. The view.
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here."
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their more...
As Stated By Women
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule -No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's hummer week- get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to - Blue Balls might have worked on high school girls- if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my more...
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''
''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''
''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''
''Fine then, just walk this white line.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm drunk.''
There were two friends drinking in a regular bar. When they were done drinking, both found out that they had no money to pay for the drinks. Not knowing what to do, the first guy said: "I have got an idea! Lets pretend we are gays. I'll grab a hot dog place it in my crotch and you'll blow on it. Everyone will think that you are blowing me penis and get disgusted by the scene and turn away. Then we'll run out without paying!" The second guy agreed and they started carrying out thier plan. As predicted, everyone got disgusted and turned away from them, and they quickly ran out without anyone noticing them. The two guts were amazed by how well their trick worked and decided to visit other bars and do the same trick for free drinks. They visited seven bars, did the same trick and never got caught. They got really drunk and decided to go home. The second guy said. "Man. I am beat, I had to blow that hot dog the whole night and my mouth just can't take it anymore." more...