Board Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by
train to a conference. At the station, the three
lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you`ll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their
respective seats but all three engineers cram into
a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed,
it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and more...

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to more...

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am more...

One particular Christmas season, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but everything seemed to be going wrong. Four of his elves got sick and had to be replace with trainee elves, which slowed down the production line - so Santa was beginning to feel pressured and behind schedule early on. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to spend the holidays with them again, and that stressed out Santa even more.
It only got worse when he began to prepare for his trip. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them was about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where, which meant that more elves had to be pulled off the toy line to go find them. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards came loose and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering toys everywhere. He picked them up and then spent ten minutes looking around the shop for the right size nail for the damn board, and of more...

When tenders were floated for the channel tunnel to connect England and France, many international building companies vied with one another to get the contract. The stakes were very high; the job of digging beneath the sea required great engineering skill and building expertise. Tenders were opened by the Board of Directors of the Anglo-French Corporation which had taken on the project. British builders' estimates were over 200 million dollars each; French and German builders were marginally lower. There was one from India: Singh & Singh Builders whose estimate was only 5 million dollars. The Board was for ignoring the Indian tender but out of curiosity invited Singh & Singh over to discuss the plans.
Banta Singh and Santa Singh of Singh & Singh Builders appeared before the Board. The Chairman asked them "Have you any experience of undertaking this kind of work?"
"Indeed we have," replied the two Singhs, "we bored a lot of tubewells in the Punjab and more...

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged-with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say more...

Ek tau bus conductor se boojhan lagya, "Re bhai manne Rohtak jana, ya bus kitt jaegi?"
O bolya, "Dilli jagi".
Tau pher bolya, "Per is board pe to Rohtak likh rakhya se."
Conductor bolya, "Tau nu kar, tu isse board pe baeth ke bug ja pher."