Board Jokes / Recent Jokes
A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.
"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"
"Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane."
"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"
"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."
"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"
"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my more...
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: Its difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North more...
Two young boys were playing football in a park in Washington D, C, one pretty day, and as they were playing a huge Rottwieller came from no where and attacked one of the boys.
The other boy, seeing his best friend was in serious trouble, pried a board loose from a nearby bench and went to help his buddy. He took the board and put it under the collar of the dog, pried up and twisted it, breaking the dogs neck, killing him instantly.
A local newspaper reporter saw what happened and went over to interview the hero. He asked the boy if he was a football fan and was told yes, so he wrote "Redskins fan saves friend from savage dog".
The boy said, " Sorry sir, but I'm not a Redskins fan." The reporter then asked him if he was a Baltimore Ravens fan; again the boy said no.
So the reporter asked him who his favorite team was, the boy said "I really like the Dallas Cowboys sir." So the reporter wrote, " Redneck kills family pet."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
LIFE UNDER THE SEA
What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.
There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it's flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.
One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.
Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam.
The board tried to hire the more...
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional more...