Books Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jan. 1 2002
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.
Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.
Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
Jan. 26
Review the Christmas '96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan. 31
Gild lilies.

Unpublished Children's Books
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
All Dogs Go to Hell
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
You Are Different and That's Bad
Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
The Tickling Babysitter
Babar Meets the Taxidermist
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from your Mommy's more...

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding more...

I have a friend whose job is to process book orders that people have placed by mail. Sometimes, the books ordered tell a whole story in and of themselves. Here are three that caused quite the laughs:
One order for two books:
1. "How to win every argument"
2. "Conversations with God"
Another order:
"For My Only True Love"
Note - please send three copies
Last order for four books:
"Getting along with mean people"
"How not to be mean"
"How to stay lovers for life" - two copies please

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother'skeeper or my keeper's brother."

1. Before you can open the cover of your new book, you must obtain a
book activation code by phoning Microsoft.
2. Only one person may ever read your book.
3. It's full of spelling mistakes and typos.
4. When you're reading your book, the words can mysteriously disappear.
5. Libraries, which are for sharing books, are illegal.
6. You must acknowledge you have read and understood the Book License
Agreement Hype (BLAH) before you can read your book.
7. Microsoft has the right to enter your premises to conduct book
inspections to make sure your book is being read in accordance with the
BLAH.
8. The Book Users' Group General Alliance (BUGGA) calculates that the
annual loss of revenues to Microsoft arising from BLAH violations in
2001 was $10.97 billion.
9. There are two versions of your book - the "Standard" and the "Pro"
versions. In the standard version, those pages containing the most
useful information more...

A friend of mine told me this one the other day...
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has
come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When
the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book,
book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the
chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts
the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book,
book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these
books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken
disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who
squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
By more...