Bottom Jokes

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux (TIB-a-dough). He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night more...

Once upon a time, there was a fellow who was down on his luck,
and as he was looking through the classifieds, he saw an
intriguing ad offering a ten million dollar reward to the person
who could find and retrieve, intact, something called a "tis
bottle."
Having nothing to lose, he calls the man who placed the ad. "I
absolutely must have this bottle, and there are only three
surviving in the world," the wealthy man tells him, "one is in
the heart of the deepest jungle, one is at the bottom of the
coldest, darkest sea, and one is at the top of the highest
mountain. I will pay your expenses for however long it takes to
bring me one of these bottles, as well as giving you the ten
million."
Being an adventurous fellow, he decides to accept the offer.
First, he gathers a retinue of guides and hunters to go with him
into the jungle. He studies for months to prepare, and when he
is more...

A
blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist
for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom
deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to
keep from laughing.
"But I always buy it here", the blonde
says. "I bought one last month". Thinking
quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know
what you bought before, may be you can bring in the
empty container next time". "Sure",
the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"
The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again
and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant
stick. "This is just a normal deodorant",
the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it
under your arms".
"No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it
says so here: To apply, push up bottom".

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!""H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.""To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.""When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.""Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.""There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.""Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.""Blood flows down one leg and up the other.""Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.""Dew is formed on more...

Martha Stewart vs Me...
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh more...