Bottom Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!""H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube." "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." "Dew is more...

How did the blonde try to kill the bird... she threw it off of a cliff. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves... she fell out of the tree. How did the blonde die, drinking milk... the cow stepped on her. How did the blonde burn her nose... bobbing for french fries. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month... the instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds". Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops... so they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus. Why do men like blonde jokes... it is one thing they can understand. Why do blondes like lightning... they think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces... from eating with forks. Why do blondes have more fun... they are easier to keep amused. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on both sides... an interpreter. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer... frosted flakes. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a more...

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put' You are not getting older' at the top and' You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.

YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

Write on the bottom of shoes
Someone once took a large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.
Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm Doomed!)

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea? Jack the kipper!

Top 10 Things to do at the Mall10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there`s much meat on them.4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.1. Show people your driver`s license and demand to know "whether they`ve seen this man."