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For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put' You are not getting older' at the top and' You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

The Perverse Guide To Getting HiredChapter 1 - The Resume Your resume is a crucial document that summarises theessence of your being to a potential employer. You must graba personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpoweringwonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom ofher parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as wellrun down now and join the other unemployed grads behind theappliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton tolive in. To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the writtenequivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter'sorange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experimentwith striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing yourname in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of yourmost sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add agood lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget yourpicture, more...

Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
"Jake, you up yet?"
Jake, sleepily, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. Open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in more...

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said,
"Just put' You are not getting older' at the top,
and' You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

TWO MEN SITTING BESIDE ONE ANOTHER IN A BAR. THE 1ST MAN IS AN AVERAGE SIZE GUY WEIGHINGABOUT 170 LBS. THE 2ND MAN IS A HUGE FAT GUY WEIGHING ABOUT375 LBS. THE 2ND GUY ASKS THE 1ST GUY. "WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A WOMAN, DO YOU ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM?" THE 1ST GUY REPLIES, "IT DEPENDS ON THE WOMAN, HOW ABOUT YOU?" THE 2ND GUY REPLIES, "I ALWAYS HIT BOTTOM, NOMATTER WHO I'M WITH." OF COURSE YOU CAN'T HELP BUT TO HIT BOTTOM WHEN YOU "MASH IT FLAT".

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.