Branches Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life- until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"O, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus more...

A Calculus Carol
written by: Denis Gannon (1940-1991)
sung to the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree"
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
To pass what are my chances?
Derivatives I cannot take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My Proofs are a disaster.
You pull a trick out of the air,
Or find a reason, God knows where.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I can't master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Related rates depress me.
I walk toward lampposts in my sleep,
And running water makes me weep.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
Oh, more...

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's caris total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend,"What's happened to your car?""Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer"."OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?""Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

This is a wonderful time of year when the humans decorate the home for us cats in anticipation of the visit from "Santa Claws." The tree went up yesterday, and so did we! Whee! Made it to the fourth branch within the first five minutes before the Big Owner chased us out of the tree.
So, as we do every year, we waited and watched the humans decorate the Cat-mas tree with all sorts of these things humans call "ornaments."
We call them "cat toys."
Ornaments are invitations to a cat, bright and shiny spheres just
daring us to knock them off. And we're pretty good at it,
considering all the trees they've decorated.
Every year humans hang the ornaments a little higher out of our
range, forcing us to elevate our game to knock them off. Humans
"ohhh and ahhh" as they decorate the Cat-mas tree. Us? We salivate in anticipation of the night's activities.
The humans retire to bed, as is custom during Cat-mas more...

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."