Bread Jokes / Recent Jokes

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster, where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be more...

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself, you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamnics demand that the cat cannot smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal, you have discovered the secret of anti-gravity!! A buttered cat, will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter-repulsion are in more...

A man entered a restaurant and noticed a sign which read: "$500 if we don't fill your order."
He ordered a monkey tail sandwich on rye bread. The waitress jotted it down and went to the kitchen to place the order.
Shortly afterwards there was a big commotion and the manager of the restaurant went to the man with five $100 bills.
As the manager laid the bills out on the table, he said, "Sir, I'm terribly sorry we are unable to fill your order. I want you to know this is the first time in fifteen years that we've run out of rye bread."

The first book of the Bible is Guiness, in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night. The Jews had trouble throughout their history with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apolstles. Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients. Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments. The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery"Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. The people who followed Jesus was called the 12 decibles. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opposums was St. Matthew. Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. more...

Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40.

When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat more...

Holiday Banana Bread:
Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana
Instructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased - check with middle finger.
4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief. When banana is soft, bread is done!
6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl." NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.