Break Jokes / Recent Jokes
Four union members were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was a member of the Vehicle Builders Union who said that his dog could do maths calculations. His dog was named "T-Square" and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with cunsumate ease.
The Amalgamated Metal Workers Union member said he thought his dog was much better. His dog, named "Slide Rule", was told to fetch a dozen biscuits and divide them into four piles which Slide Rule did without problem.
The Liquor Trades members admitted that both were quite good but he felt his dog could out perform them. His dog named "Measure" was told to go and get a stubby of beer and pour seven ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog did this without a flaw.
They turned to the Waterside Workers Union member and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Waterside Worker called his dog, more...
100 Reasons It's Good to Be a Woman
1. free drinks
2. free dinners
3. free lunches
4. free movies (you get the point)
5. you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
6. you can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
7. you know the truth about whether size matters
8. Speeding ticket? What's that?
9. you can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
10. you actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
11. you don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies
12. if you never have a son, it's okay
13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
14. if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being
15. a new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
16. in high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned
17. if you have sex with someone more...
Top Ten Guiness Records No One Wants To Break
10. Longest-Running Show on CBS
9. Least-Jiggy Human
8. Sweatiest Palm
7. Most Freakish Person Named "Michael Jackson"
6. Most Times in "Price Is Right" Audience Without Being Asked to "Come On Down"
5. Greatest Number of Obscene Phone Calls Received From Tom Bosley
4. Most Times Hit In Face By a Goose While Riding A Roller Coaster
3. First Person To Circle Earth in Wet Corduroy
2. Longest-Running Marriage to Dennis Rodman
1. Longest Fingernails (On Someone Who Doesn't Realize Their Fly Is Open)
A lonely explorer is lost in the jungle and gets caught by a tribe of cannibals.
He is brought to the chief who speaks his judgement:
You shall be eaten alive!
Unless you succeed in the three tests of liberty!
The guy naturely agrees to perform the tests, for it is his last hope of escape.
The Chief sentences hil to the test of the jungle:
"First, you go in first hut and drink everything".
"Then, you go in second hut, and break legs of lion!"
"Last, you go in third hut and bring oldest tribe member (130 years old) to orgasm."
The explorer enters the first hut and drinks 3 bottles of wine, 2 bottles of whisky and a crate of beer.
After an hour he comes out, drunk as never before, and stumbles into the second hut.
Suddenly hell breaks loose. Dust flies around, and the hut shakes wildly from left to right.
The cannibals fear that their supper is being eaten by the lion, and just before they decide to kill the more...
In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent twenty minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the forty-seven-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it."
Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised more...
Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one," how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone' the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth" he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth," he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then"
Mrs. Sally is a very strict second grade teacher who doesn't want the kids in her class to use baby words, so when Christmas break comes around she tells her students that she wants them to use big people words over the break. When they come back Mrs. Sally asks the students, "so does anyone have a story from break they want to share?